So Ive been battling health condition since I was 19. Im 25 now. I put effort in solving it, I prayed and learned to trust in Allah when i am dead alone. You may think why then im questioning him now. My responsibilities are now at a point where I either succeed or fail.
I thought pursuing life for its own isnt something Allah wants. So decided to spend my energy on his path so he may grant me my wishes for he doesnt hesitate to give his generous and indjstrious servants.
But as time passes and I basically am deprived of the joys of youth whether its a good job good social status a couple of friends physical health wife or a girl I really think if Allah is even concerned with me. Does he even intend to help me. I feel not. Thus Ive made up my mind to sacrifice my life and find death. Whether its going to help people in war or any kind of danger that will grant me relief from this awful godly silence.
My family will grief a lot but it is Allah who restraints himself from helping me. I am no big sinner and have been pious as long as i can remember. I am no arrogant to insist on his mistakes. I repent and thank Allah for what i have but in a very short time - and i dont see how its going to change - i fear to be disgraced. I cant take it any more. Last 5 years i havent gained a single friend. My memory sucks thus keeps me from having meaningful conversations. I just dont want to live like tjis anymore. I dont feel like praying either. I get depressed at the thought that allah wants this for me. I dont want to tjink about religion at all. I feel like throwing up at tje thought of him turning my life into failure.
I struggle to finish university right now. The gas station i was working fired me for being too firgetful. People find me strange to communicate with because my mind is blank.
Where is Allah when you need him? I am tired of posing these questions. I choose to end this misery in way that will benefit me here and the hereafter.
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from Islam http://ift.tt/2oSckEO
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