So last year I graduated HS. I decided I wanted to take a year off to memorize Quran. I'm from the us. Basically all the hifz schools I could see had an age limit of 15 for boarding, I lived in a small City that didn't have a hifz school full-time. So I went to Pakistan to live with my aunt/uncle and go to a mosque in a good area where supposedly the qaris and kids were from "good backgrounds"
I think you can guess where it went from here. But first off it was fine. Memorizing was SO tough. But I was doing it.
I was 17/18, most of the kids were around 12. Minimum 8 max. 15. Thankfully about 2 months in a new kid came who was 16 who was really cool and spoke good English so he was my best friend.
But over time the bad environment took it's toll on me. The head qari used to just walk around hitting kids one time each while they're reading sometimes for no reason (all while the volume of everyone reciting rises to max). (Also since I was the oldest, I never got hit and neither did the other oldest guy who was 16. Also my uncle told them not to)
man, when a kid gets in trouble they get beaten up like no tomorrow. Really sad. Disgusting.
Anyways after a while I found that most of the kids are just effed up people. About half are doing homosexual acts and actually commit those acts in the masjid. Some smoke. Some or prob close to half watch porn. One guy I heard literally wants to go in to that industry and make their own website one day (wtf)
But yeah. My parents came to visit me in winter break and I thought I'd feel better about the whole thing. Be able to grind it out til summer at least. But no. I fell apart. I quit and came home and said I'll keep memorizing at home (came home, but memorizing at home super Uber slowly)
So my dad basically wasted $7,000 of his hard-earned money to send me there , have the whole family visit me, and then for me to quit a month later and come home.
The only good that came out of it is that I DID memorize surah Baqara and Imran. (Alhamdulilah).
But the bad is I feel like I've lost my mind. I don't have the same appreciation for Deen like I used to. It used to be my escape from this world. But now I always feel like I need to do something to stop dwelling on my poor experience for so long. I try to memorize now but I can't bring myself to memorize and review 10 hours a day like I used to over there.
It sucks to have to review half a juz that you "memorized" but have to read for 2 hours really hard to be able to recite it fluently.
And the fact that I can't even understand what I've read/memorized without seeing translation.
Tl;Dr I took a gap year to memorize Quran. Memorized the two longest surahs and finished 2nd half of juz 29, but had the absolute worst experience. Quit after 6 months and came home and now basically just waiting to start college in August. So yeah basically I feel like a POS failure alot and get bored because my dad won't let me get a job, since I said I was going to memorize when I come home but I just don't want to anymore.
I still pray my 5 prayers even though I don't really feel anything anymore. I just force myself to hold on to it because I know and hope this is just a phase and I'll get out of it InshaAllah.
Anyways thanks for even opening this post and reading anything out of it. I hope somebody could provide some beneficial advice but if not at least I got my feelings out. Jak.
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