A while back I posted a lengthy explanation of myself feeling remorseful for my past, and being upset at missing the chance of marrying the most wonderful woman I've ever met. I'm turning 21 in a couple weeks and she's turning 21 in a couple of months. I know the "you guys are young anyway" comments will be flooding but tons of people have started successful marriages at even younger ages.
Long story short, we were on an on-and-off thing until she fell for me and wanted to marry me, and we had our families meet and we were planning on getting engaged. After a while, she called it off (and I'm glad she called it off sooner than later). We had agreed to just be 'friends' but we had such history that it was difficult for us to not have feelings for each other. She later decided it was for the best to not talk and asked me to leave her alone and I respected her wishes.
A couple nights ago I was thinking about her, and for a while now since the breakup I've been trying to convince myself that I just didn't deserve someone as wonderful and beautiful as her, as a way to cope with how the relationship didn't work out. I even told her (dumbest mistake of my life) that I feel I didn't deserve her and why I didn't deserve her. I don't know why I did, but again, I was trying to cope with the whole thing not working out. Anyway I was thinking about all this a couple nights ago and just broke down and cried about my past (explained in my previous post on this subreddit) and this whole thing, and made dua that she find someone better, and I find someone better, and her family and my family are blessed with great in-laws and success and health in the future. I cried until at least 3 AM when I finally slept and woke up 12 hours later.
Just now I broke down for the same reason. I masturbated this morning thinking it would help me move on, but of course I felt bad since it's wrong to masturbate and also it reminded me of how beautiful intimacy is with your spouse and it just had me dreaming of that and made me feel worse. I've prayed my duhr salah, recited ayat Al-Kursi, and made dua for me, my family, her and her family, and here I am writing this. I want to so badly call my mother and just tell her how I feel and have her comfort me, but I am so ashamed to still be upset about all this. The breakup was nearly 2 months ago, too. InshaAllah I'll move on soon, and I definitely do not want to be in this broken state when I meet the next woman who may potentially be my wife. But at the same time, I cannot help but cling onto the hope that the original woman will want to be with me again. I’m even tempted to make a tinder just to see and talk to other women to show that other women exist. I have another friend who is muslim that I am somewhat attracted to, but i do not want to talk to her just to use her to move on. I feel weak now but I am trying to convince myself I am strong enough to not stoop to the level of looking for other women for the sake of moving on from the previous one.
I know this may not be a worthy topic to post and cry about, these things happen all the time, but it's not just her I am crying about, it's me worrying I'll never find someone as amazing, smart, religious, and beautiful as her if not better, even though I've put all my faith in the fact that Allah will find someone better for me. I'm upset about the fact that I was so against religion a couple years ago and loved flirting with girls just to brag about it to other guys, i'm upset that I had alcohol and weed, i'm upset that I still havent found the confidence and courage to just get a fucking grip already.
I have a shit ton of to do, but I just want to take a nap in the middle of the day and cry myself to sleep. I know i will still be upset when i wake up, but i dont want to be awake thinking about all this for now. Maybe I'll call my mom for her comfort (I love her so so much, inshaAllah Allah rewards all of our mothers for their hard work with us, ameen), but I am too ashamed to tell her why I am crying, and I just know im going to start bawling when I speak to her.
I apologize for the profanity and if the m*********n part was too much information brothers and sisters. I hope Allah lights all of your paths and keeps you all from falling into pits of despair, ameen.
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from Islam https://ift.tt/2q1vcSq
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