I've lost track of how many fatwas and threads I've read on the topic so far, but apart from the huge amount of distress those people and I apparently have to endure on a regular basis, we don't seem to have much else in common. Let me make myself clear:
I don't suffer from incontinence. I'm not constantly passing gas. I do not have a medical condition. However, when the time for salat comes, I do feel bloated all of a sudden, and I have no idea why that is. It feels like a big fat curse that I just can't get rid of. I tend to hold it in as much as I can, although sometimes to no avail, and that makes me lose a great deal of khushoor. But it doesn't stop there! After going through that so many times, I feel like I've reached a point where I just want to get the prayer over with ASAP so I won't have to put up with this any longer. There's something wrong here... I'm dead sure this isn't how the prayer is supposed to go.
Trying to snap out of this vicious cycle, today earlier I decided to take a different approach. "Let me focus on the prayer instead..." I thought. "From now on, I'm not going to worry about that anymore." So, I did wudu (again) and tried to go about it the same way as everybody else. Why did I get in return? My wudu broke in the last rakat. I'm at my wits end.
Some people may argue that this is just another same old case of waswas, but quite frankly, I'm starting to think that waswas is something I'm using far too much as an excuse to NOT have to do it over. I feel like a hypocrite. My worship seems useless. My resolve is gradually fading away, and sometimes, after all these years, I do think about giving up. The worst? It's Ramadan. How can someone be this miserable during ramadan—off all months?
I don't know how to keep going like this. I need help!
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