Coming to terms that I am a piece of shit. I'm sitting in front of my computer tears rolling down my face, which has given me time to reflect on what a shitty person I am. The sickest part, is that I just want to kill myself for what the sin I have committed
I've been fasting for 9 years of my life since I was 12 years old. Today I just broke my fast. I started this overnight hamster job at a warehouse so that I could save enough and go to university. The job itself is constant physical work and you're moving up and down lifting things onto pallets. My schedule runs through 10 pm 6 am its an 8hour shift. It was my first day today and I only brought a water bottle with me because I didn't have any money for food, and I didn't think it was going to be that intensive work but I was wrong. I didn't eat much in the day before for iftar except 1 bowl of hira (Moroccan soup) and Msemen (Moroccan flatbread). It wasn't much of a meal. I wish I would have eaten a little bit more.
3 am rolls around the corner I am sweating bullet like I just ran a marathon. I drink of what is left in my water bottle. At this point, I am feeling very fatigued and lost in my own head I start to feel a migraine build up in my head. I am already starting to hate this job. I ask the manager on board if I could leave early I even explain to him my situation. He wasn't too pleased and told me I had to stay the full 8 hours since it was my first day. (I am already starting to hate this job)
6 am rolls around the corner. I can finally go home. I start to make my way home I hop on the 495 beltway I am shaking a little bit, can barely keep the steering wheel still on the road It feels very unpleasant. So I make my way through the city I start to lose a little focus on the road my eyes kinda doze off the road. I start to veer off my lane a little bit, and before I could adjust a red light comes up and I fail to brake early which ended in me slamming into a car in front of me. At this point, I wasn't even slightly shocked to the least I just sat there in my car head on the steering wheel for a second just to wrap my head around on what just happened.
We exchange insurance and police come to the scene. My car is totaled the structural frame is pretty much ruined. I ask the tow truck driver if he could drop me off at my house he was very kind to do so. He has me fill out some paperwork back at his station. I didn't have any money to pay for the tow, but he let me off until next week.
I arrive home at this point it's 7:30 am I didn't even pray. I went straight to my kitchen and ate a bowl of cereal. And the worst part is that I didn't even feel guilty or slightly remorseful. That bowl of cereal was the best thing to happen to me today. For that small moment, I felt whole, like every ache or pain I had was completely flushed out.
I am writing this in tears, and I feel like a fucking loser. Shaytan really got the best of me. I was tested my sabr that day failed miserably. I feel like I committed shirk.
What do I do at this point? Should I make tawbah?
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