I never imagined that I would reach this point. I've met suicidal people many times throughout my life, and have always been taken aback by their complete loss of hope. Until recently, I maintained a naive belief in the unlimited possibilities of life, and my faith in God and His infinite power only served to reinforce this.
I am 21 now, will soon be entering my fourth year of Uni, and disillusionment is beginning to set in. I am about to complete a program that I have no passion in, have no work experience thanks to a debilitating anxiety disorder, have almost no friends and a broken family that I cannot rely on. My less than average appearance and my inability/unwillingness to maintain long-term relationships guarantee that I won't find a partner in the near future. I have no connections, no one to seek help from, no one to guide me (besides God-- who I try to talk to often). And I can hardly rely on myself. When I look at how much cowardice I exhibit in the face of insignificant trials, I can only think about how unequipped I am for the larger tests of life. My mind consistently seeks refuge in naive, idealistic thinking and refuses to face reality. I am afraid of this world and of suffering...and so for the first time ever, thoughts of suicide have begun creeping into my mind as I've become increasingly convinced that I'm not cut out for this life.
I don't think I'm cut out for faith either. Faith requires sacrifice and struggle...but again, I view myself as too much of a coward for either of these. And I don't believe in my own goodness; time and time again I demonstrate that I will choose wrongdoing over a good deed even if the latter is easier to accomplish. It's like I want to destroy myself.
I have no idea how to manoeuvre my way through the complexities of this world and maintain my faith in the process with this exceedingly stupid and dysfunctional mind that I have. I feel like my life is over before it has even started, and I anticipate a bad end in both the dunya and the akhira..
Any words of advice would be appreciated, but a simple du'a will suffice too.
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from Islam https://ift.tt/2KHm6Dj
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